Apathetic

Apathy…!?

I don’t really know what to say about that except that it happens more often than I care to. See, I have been without work for sometime now and though I am OK with that situation, not because I am lazy or withdrawn, but because I want to take my life in a new direction, re-purpose myself and do all that I have wanted to do ever since I can remember. I have always wanted to create and by writing, designing and programming, or learning how to program, I am heading towards owning my company and doing what I love.

The way my not having work ended up happening was actually a blessing in disguise and I am learning to work with it and around it. I had mentioned on my post, The point where…, that I have decided to go the way of LOVE(Living, Overcoming, Viral, Eternal) and how hard it is to do so in a world that thinks that LOVE is a weak emotion and lifestyle. Well, nonetheless, the main reason for this post is not about how LOVE may or may not be perceived but rather how this journey that I started on can be tumultuous. Tumultuous, may be a bit strong but it is what I feel nonetheless, and I want to share how I am navigating this arena, which is somewhat new for me.

As a child, I have always been spiritual but tradition and religion had, somewhat, made some impact on my life as well. Coming from a family of Catholics, and pagans. Part of my immediate family are truly religious and the other part “pagans”, at least from the point of view of the religious. As I grew up, maintaining the objective part of myself was eroding and eventually I ended up with a hybrid sense of view, which did not really help me as I analyzed it for what it really was, judgment. I hate judging others because I am no saint, even if I was a saint judgment is a deity’s job. I know that we are to have standards, morals, etiquette and the like, but does that mean that these things makes me better than others or worthy of judging someone else, I think not.

You may ask what does this have to do with being apathetic!? Well, I think that my lack of emotion, my unresponsiveness, has to do to with part of my past, present and future. My past points towards religiosity, my present towards inclusion, my future, so far, towards LOVE. Religiosity has made me hateful, vengeful, and pessimistic. Inclusion has made me doubt most of my upbringing, school of thought and the God I was brought up in. LOVE makes me see the real God, destroys my preconceive notions and brings in a lot of mystery with her. So, apathy seems to have been developed because so much change has happened, is happening and will continue to happen which leaves little room or time for processing. In essence, I have become numb, at this moment in time and life.

So, the question remains, how to I get out? I have come to understand that LOVE is the answer to my woe at this time. The very lady who has caused this is the very one to get me out. LOL!!! that is so ironic, I think! The bible, though used by some for ill purposes, does carry within it many pearls of wisdom and truths which lady LOVE has used to clean me up and use as a part of my re-education. In Corinthians 13:3-7, in the Message version of the bible, it says:

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

So, after reading this, again, I have been refueled and I am also looking at other great faiths, authors and teachers to see what they have written, said and/or done about or on lady LOVE. I call her she because to me that is how I see LOVE, as the greatest mother, sister, partner, friend, lover and the greatest woman ever. Though not a woman, myself, I have had great teachers in my life who have been women. I am not saying that there aren’t great men out there just that on the subject of LOVE, my exposure came from women. I am not talking about sex here, so don’t go there. Nonetheless, I just wanted to share with you that if you are one experiencing what I am going through, that I am with you and that you are not alone. Read on LOVE, for I believe that she will lift you up. LOVE is not just emotional, she is also a way of life.

Love Unconditional…

Got Cracks!?

Got cracks!?

Well, I went on a walk around the neighborhood and will walking at was looking at everything I could take in. See, though I love walking, I do not do it much nor do I do it enough of it when I do go out walking. Nonetheless, I looked on the ground and saw cracks throughout the pathway I was walking on and thought of how true that is in my own life. I have many cracks in my life that I either patched up or band-aid the heck out of them but never took the time to break the pathway of my life open and then completely redo the road or that section or sections of my road. It dawned on me that if I go throughout life, like this then many others do the same and because of that end up not knowing why, what or when this or that happened or happens in others or my life. So today, I am taking a moment to breathe, review and fix what can be fixed now and forgive myself and/or others, mainly myself, for what is too old to undo and re-fix. I learned that I am to live everyday the way I want, need, and desire to while at the same time not effecting or affecting others’ life in a negative way. I am leaving in truth and truth, as they say, hurts but it’s a good hurt because then you are no longer blind and/or ignorant of what is and isn’t in life. So, if you got cracks, fix what you can and forgive the rest and move on for the past cannot hurt you anymore and it already thought you the lesson you needed to learn, as I am learning and have learned today.

Love Unconditional